“Take your clothes off and bark like a dog!”
- Vince McMahon to Trish Stratus on RAW, 2001
That’s right, ladies, just when you thought it was safe to start treating guys like crap again, I’m back to set the record straight. So put down the latest copy of Glamour and pay attention. (I’d say shut your mouth, but ya never know; I might want a hummer.)
Back in the glorious days of the mid to late 90’s a book came out. It was called “The Rules- Time Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart Of Mr. Right”. This book was written by two women, (cough..bitter bitches..cough) who claimed to want to help other women learn to practice certain methods that would improve the quality of their relationships. Needless to say, the book became a big success, with women all over the country babbling over how “The Rules is not just a book, it’s a way of life” and forming “Rules Support Groups.” (I’m not making this shit up, look on Amazon if you don’t believe me.)
Some of these so-called “Rules” included pearls of wisdom such as “Don’t talk to a man first” and “Don’t see him more than once or twice a week.” Supposedly these rules are meant to empower women, “weed-out” undesirable men, and generally give women feelings of confidence that acting like a drunken pathetic slut failed to deliver. My personal favorite has to be the rule that encourages women to “rarely return his calls, and don’t call him.” In a rational world, this makes no sense. Let me get this straight, even if you like a guy, you are not going to call him back? What the fuck does that accomplish? Then women wonder why we act like dicks sometimes.
Being the considerate, thoughtful soul I am, I felt it was an injustice that “The Rules” have not been established for guys. Sure, books are out there on how to date women and all that stuff, but why waste your money on some PC bullshit when I speak the truth free of charge? Therefore, as the great Vince McMahon might say, “in the interest of fairness” I present “The Rules For Guys-How To Have Fun At The Expense Of Bitchy Females And Still Get Your Nut Off.”
Rule #1-Don’t be too nice
We covered this in a previous column but I feel it bears repeating. If you go out of your way too much for a chick, you’ll quickly be labeled a pushover and rejected. The lesson? Even if you are a good guy and genuinely want to be yourself, don’t. When she sets up lines like “ I look ugly today”, she’s fishing for compliments. Rather than say “no you look great” say “Yeah what the fuck? Did you not look in the mirror before you left the house? Good God.”
Rule # 2- Cut them off when they are babbling Few things are more annoying than a chick that tries to tell a joke and fails miserably. Whether the joke is awful, or she can’t remember it, or she’s telling some story about something that happened to her, chances are you are dying a slow death trying to stay awake. The lesson? Treat her like you would one of your buddies. If your buddy was telling some joke or story that was God-awful wouldn’t you say something? Of course you would. So why should it be different for women? Instead of faking interest, just tell her to get to the point or stop wasting your time. Remember that time spent listening to some awful story is time that could be spent scoping out drunken skanks or hanging with your boys.
Rule # 3-There is nothing wrong with finding humor at the expense of some psycho girl
This sort of ties in with Rule #2. Totally embarrassing some dumb twat as she tries to be funny is one of life’s greatest pleasures. It works even better when you do it in front of a group of your friends. It also works when you see a girl you know crying at the bar. You know the drill. She’s all about some dude who treats her like shit, and she gets a few fruity drinks in her and starts bawling. Now the uneducated guy, the young and naïve guy, might think, “hey if I console her, it will make me look better. She’ll want me.”
You must keep in mind she’s a kook. Unless she suddenly comes to the realization that she’s wasting her time, she’ll just thank you for being there and then go get herself humiliated again. Instead, when she says, “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?” let her have it. Lines like “Well, its not your fault you are a chick, and therefore naturally nuts” work well. Or say “Maybe if you just let him do you in the ass, he’d love like you love him.” When in doubt, just laugh at her a la Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.
If any female were to read this article, or hear me talk this way, they’d be quick to blurt out “Well, no wonder you are single. What an asshole.” What they fail to realize is that, I’m quite comfortable being an asshole, and I’d rather be single any day then to be involved with some psychotic girl who needs Zoloft just to get out of bed in the morning. These rules, and this column in general, is meant as a response to all the bullshit that comes with relationships. Few things are worse than seeing a formerly great guy stuck in a cycle of awful relationships because he forgot what it means to have testicles. Guys are not always right, and sometimes we do fuck up. But I don’t think the hypocrisy and generally delusional behavior of females should be excused. Remember; use what you can to your advantage. If you don’t some other guy will, so it might as well be you.