Joyful day turns into tragedy

BAGHDAD, August 31 – What started out as a joyful day turned out to be the worst event since the start of the war in Iraq. As thousands gathered today to celebrate the martyrdom of the Shiite imam Mussa Khadim the worst possible scenario unraveled quickly. When thousands headed for the shrine they were forced to pass a bridge that led to the shrine. Rumors of a suicide bomber among the crowd quickly spread and over 800 people were killed in the stampede that followed, mainly women, children and elderly were trampled when chaos broke loose.

The morning started out as a disaster when at 8AM two mortars struck the neighborhood surrounding the shrine killing over 15 people and injuring more than 30. An hour later dozens of people came to the hospital after experiencing effects of poisoning, probably from the free food and water distributed. One Shiite politician claims at least 100 people were killed because of this poisoning. Then, again one hour later total disaster took place when the stampede made its’ way over the bridge claiming hundreds of innocent victims.

The week started out so good for the Shiites, with the constitutional draft approved which benefits them in many ways they finally got the political power they craved for so many decades. Today the celebration turned into despair as over 1,000 victims were reported at the various disaster areas.

Over 600 people, many of them woman and children have died after a stampede caused by rumours of a suicide bomber amongst them caused the collapse of railings on a bridge on the river Tigris.
On one of the main days in the shia muslims calendar, the annual commemoration of the death of the Shiite saint, Imam Mousa al-Kadim, over 1 million people were on their way to visit the saints shrine in the district of Kazimiyah district when mortar attacks were heard.Its believed that it was this that started the rumour of suicide bombers which caused the pilgrims to panic.The deaths occurred on the Aaimma bridge when railings gave way and many people jumped into the river and were drowned.

by McBourbon
One of my favorite parts of spending the majority of my time at the end of the bar here in Cleveland is when my local pub brings in Gary, the karaoke guy, and he starts playing songs and I watch drunken (and not so drunken) fools come up one after another and sing for my amusement.

Of course, as with most things, there is a dark side to karaoke, and I asked Gary to outline the seedier aspects of his business. He described to me the karaoke singers I see and what they’re actually like.

First, there are the CROONERS. These are the people who think they are doing a Frank Sinatra tribute, but end up sounding more like Harry Connick Jr. with a mouth full of shit and a rabid dog using their scrotum as a chew toy. They’re off key, too slow, too stupid to know the lyrics, or just Asian and trying to fit into American culture with something they fuckin’ started in the first place.

Secondly, there are the WEMEN. These are large groups of women who come up to belt out Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” or, God forbid, ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” because to do it alone for anyone of them is just too embarrassing. Of course, after their performance, these drunk chicks continue drinking as groups of men circle them like flies near a cow pie and then they become a date rape statistic somewhere between the back parking lot and the local Denny’s where they swore they would meet their friends because the slobbering drunken hillbilly who bought this Barbara Mandrell wanna-be her last drink was just “too fuckin’ hot to let go without a blow job.”

Next are the RISING STARS. These people actually have some talent, but no idea what to do with it. They come up and sing songs by Bon Jovi and Poison (because Gary doesn’t have anything more recent) and actually sound good. (Note: Good is relative in a bar. After 9 tall Black and Tans…good for some is a hot blonde with face Herpes, a bad lisp, and a gimpy leg that appears to have been mangled by a pit bull sometime in her teens. Don’t ask how I know this.) They return to their table, usually populated by people who look like the light scares them and they can’t wait to be locked back in the basement…but the rising stars are the turds that float to the surface in this singer treatment facility…only to be poked back under the surface after the night is over.

Every now and again you get a SOUL MAN who doesn’t necessarily sing “Soul Man” made famous by Sam and Dave and/or The Blues Brothers, but adds that (for lack of a better way of putting it) “flava” to the evening. Of course, in an all white city, in an all white bar, where most of the people are driving all white BMW’s…the SOUL MAN usually ends up sneaking out a back door after a crappy rendition of Young MC’s “Bust a Move.”

Lastly, Gary described to me where I fit in when I get up and sing “Rock this Town” by the Stray Cats or “House of the Rising Sun” by The Animals. “McBourbon,” he says, “you are a PRETENDER.” This means I manage to do a good impression of a singer but have no actual singing ability what-so-ever, and I’m next in line to be a karaoke DJ.

And piss off if you think I’m some drunken Cleveland half-a-fag for singing karaoke. Sometimes the WEMEN like a sensitive guy who can sing. Such is the life of the man at the end of the bar. Until next time……drink until you catch up.

Chances are big it will be rejected

BAGHDAD, August 30 – Protests started all over Iraq, rejecting the approval of the Iraqi constitutional draft which leaves Sunnis in a disadvantage. While the political process seems successful the opposite is true, there is a big chance that the referendum on October 15 will come out negative and the whole process will be annulled.

The rules for this referendum are that if three out of the 18 electoral districts reject the draft in the referendum it will be disapproved completely. With this fact the entire National Assembly will be dissolved and new elections will be held which will initiate the same process again. This means new talks will be made and a new draft should be assembled and approved.

Meanwhile Democrats are already stating that George W. Bush has failed miserably. The Iraqi’s have nothing to show for their so-called liberation and the political process stumbles upon opposition constantly. Combine that with increasing insurgent attacks and startling U.S. casualty rates and it will be clear that Bush has a lot to do to make up for this mess.

Sunnis’ objections ignored

BAGHDAD, August 29 – The final word hasn’t been said yet but so far the Iraqi constitutional draft is progressing, albeit a bit delayed, still on schedule for the referendum. The Sunnis have many objections to this draft but after a few concessions from the Shiites, which were rejected, the National Assembly today approved the entire draft. This is not strange since the majority of the National Assembly consists of Kurds and Shiites, because the Sunnis boycotted the elections earlier this year they have no representation in the NA.

The Shiites especially have been somewhat reluctant to give the Sunnis any say at all. The Sunnis were always the dominating culture in Iraq under Hussein’s charge although the make up only 20% of the total population. The Shiites have always been repressed and feel that they deserve more than the Sunnis now because of this. Meanwhile the Sunnis are already urging everyone to vote at the referendum this time so they can reject the constitutional draft.

Whether this will succeed is another thing, the Sunnis do not have a majority when voting but perhaps they can make the difference. Several points on which the Sunnis disagreed were articles restricting former Baath-members from public positions and the Arab nature of the country.

They finally get the importance of voting

BAGHDAD, August 28 – It looks like the Sunnis have learnt their lesson from being stubborn seven months ago. They had the chance to participate in the now so heavily debated constitutional draft if they had not decided to boycott the elections in the beginning of this year. This mistake has been costly and they seem to finally realize this and intend not to make the same mistake again.

Websites normally used to claim gruesome crimes and show the results are now used to encourage people to register to vote. Their boycott has cost them influence in the constitutional over which they’re fighting now, if they were a part of the parliament they could avoided being ignored by the Shiites. Now they’re looking to counter with the power of the vote, every Sunni is already being called on to vote this October when the people of this divided nation get a say on the potential constitution.

The parliament could also do a vote beforehand to see how the members think of the draft but this is unlikely since the democratic process would be much more served by a vote from the people. Sunnis make up only 20% of the total Iraqi nation yet they have been in charge over the last few decades thanks to Saddam Hussein, the Shiites are now looking to level the score by excluding them from the oil profits.

“Take your clothes off and bark like a dog!”
- Vince McMahon to Trish Stratus on RAW, 2001

That’s right, ladies, just when you thought it was safe to start treating guys like crap again, I’m back to set the record straight. So put down the latest copy of Glamour and pay attention. (I’d say shut your mouth, but ya never know; I might want a hummer.)

Back in the glorious days of the mid to late 90’s a book came out. It was called “The Rules- Time Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart Of Mr. Right”. This book was written by two women, (cough..bitter bitches..cough) who claimed to want to help other women learn to practice certain methods that would improve the quality of their relationships. Needless to say, the book became a big success, with women all over the country babbling over how “The Rules is not just a book, it’s a way of life” and forming “Rules Support Groups.” (I’m not making this shit up, look on Amazon if you don’t believe me.)

Some of these so-called “Rules” included pearls of wisdom such as “Don’t talk to a man first” and “Don’t see him more than once or twice a week.” Supposedly these rules are meant to empower women, “weed-out” undesirable men, and generally give women feelings of confidence that acting like a drunken pathetic slut failed to deliver. My personal favorite has to be the rule that encourages women to “rarely return his calls, and don’t call him.” In a rational world, this makes no sense. Let me get this straight, even if you like a guy, you are not going to call him back? What the fuck does that accomplish? Then women wonder why we act like dicks sometimes.

Being the considerate, thoughtful soul I am, I felt it was an injustice that “The Rules” have not been established for guys. Sure, books are out there on how to date women and all that stuff, but why waste your money on some PC bullshit when I speak the truth free of charge? Therefore, as the great Vince McMahon might say, “in the interest of fairness” I present “The Rules For Guys-How To Have Fun At The Expense Of Bitchy Females And Still Get Your Nut Off.”

Rule #1-Don’t be too nice
We covered this in a previous column but I feel it bears repeating. If you go out of your way too much for a chick, you’ll quickly be labeled a pushover and rejected. The lesson? Even if you are a good guy and genuinely want to be yourself, don’t. When she sets up lines like “ I look ugly today”, she’s fishing for compliments. Rather than say “no you look great” say “Yeah what the fuck? Did you not look in the mirror before you left the house? Good God.”

Rule # 2- Cut them off when they are babbling Few things are more annoying than a chick that tries to tell a joke and fails miserably. Whether the joke is awful, or she can’t remember it, or she’s telling some story about something that happened to her, chances are you are dying a slow death trying to stay awake. The lesson? Treat her like you would one of your buddies. If your buddy was telling some joke or story that was God-awful wouldn’t you say something? Of course you would. So why should it be different for women? Instead of faking interest, just tell her to get to the point or stop wasting your time. Remember that time spent listening to some awful story is time that could be spent scoping out drunken skanks or hanging with your boys.

Rule # 3-There is nothing wrong with finding humor at the expense of some psycho girl
This sort of ties in with Rule #2. Totally embarrassing some dumb twat as she tries to be funny is one of life’s greatest pleasures. It works even better when you do it in front of a group of your friends. It also works when you see a girl you know crying at the bar. You know the drill. She’s all about some dude who treats her like shit, and she gets a few fruity drinks in her and starts bawling. Now the uneducated guy, the young and naïve guy, might think, “hey if I console her, it will make me look better. She’ll want me.”

WRONG!

You must keep in mind she’s a kook. Unless she suddenly comes to the realization that she’s wasting her time, she’ll just thank you for being there and then go get herself humiliated again. Instead, when she says, “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?” let her have it. Lines like “Well, its not your fault you are a chick, and therefore naturally nuts” work well. Or say “Maybe if you just let him do you in the ass, he’d love like you love him.” When in doubt, just laugh at her a la Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.

If any female were to read this article, or hear me talk this way, they’d be quick to blurt out “Well, no wonder you are single. What an asshole.” What they fail to realize is that, I’m quite comfortable being an asshole, and I’d rather be single any day then to be involved with some psychotic girl who needs Zoloft just to get out of bed in the morning. These rules, and this column in general, is meant as a response to all the bullshit that comes with relationships. Few things are worse than seeing a formerly great guy stuck in a cycle of awful relationships because he forgot what it means to have testicles. Guys are not always right, and sometimes we do fuck up. But I don’t think the hypocrisy and generally delusional behavior of females should be excused. Remember; use what you can to your advantage. If you don’t some other guy will, so it might as well be you.

Dueling rallies expected

CRAWFORD, Texas, August 27 – The U.S. is facing one of the biggest dueling rallies in a long time with over 3,000 people expected to turn up on Saturday in the little town of Crawford, Texas. You would never expect such a thing in a small one-stoplight town with no more than 700 residents, but since Bush’s ranch is just outside of Crawford they are facing an immense load of protesters today.

In what seems to be a climax in anti-war protesting over the last few weeks, led by grieving mother Cindy Sheehan, the pro-Bush camp is starting to stir its’ tail. With almost 3,000 people expected to turn up at the pro-Bush rally at the local school football stadium things seem to take a turn. While a lot of people sympathize with the mother who has lost her child, many also seem to turn on her and join the tour of the “You don’t speak for me, Cindy”.

Bush will obviously gloat over this change in his favor, he has received less and less support on the Iraq war over the last weeks because of the ever increasing casualty rate but now finally his supporters seem to have awakened. Depending on the success of the Iraqi constitutional draft Bush might even come out of this battle in decent shape.