Sometimes in life, you realize certain truths. Sometimes these truths can be painful to accept, because they represent things that you’d rather not deal with. On other occasions, the truth can truly set you free. You can live a life free of burdens that you had previously placed on your shoulders. The truth may sometimes hurt, but on other occasions it is truly liberating. Within the last few years, I myself realized a truth about my life, and my sexual habits. That particular truth was…
I’m a dirtball.
Now, obviously such a statement requires an explanation. What I mean by those words is I’ve come to accept my own personal sexual turn-ons and habits. Don’t worry, I don’t find 12 year olds attractive, I don’t think bestiality is hot, and I certainly think people’s grandmothers should keep their clothes on, and not have sex with guys 50 years younger than them.
Having said that, it’s clear that each of us have certain types of women or situations that turn us on. For me I love Latina women, girls with long hair wearing cowboy hats, and the sight of a short little Catholic schoolgirl outfit. I also love watching some drunken slut let herself get absolutely violated, whether it means her taking on 8 black cocks, or letting her face get turned onto a landing pad for some dude’s private stash of jizz. That’s someone’s daughter, and to me, it’s a fucking turn-on.
Now all you angry Indigo-Girl listening man haters out there are clearly going to be offended by such bold, honest statements. Let me just say that if it means you feminazis want to do something drastic in protest, like say shaving your pits, then I’ve definitely accomplished something.
Now that we’ve established the concept of embracing your inner dirtball, we must go over a few ground rules. These are more than just rules, they are concepts to help you function as a productive member of society, while also having the ability to indulge your dirtball habit. Realize of course that indulging your habits is like almost everything else, it should be done in moderation. Without further ado, I present The Sacred Code Of Dirtballs.
Rule # 1- When You Get On A Beat Ho, Keep It On The Down Low
Seemingly an obvious idea, but still worth going over. We’ve all had a sexual encounter with someone who was less than attractive, whether she is overweight or just plain ugly. When this happens, try and make sure not too many people find out. You made a mistake; every chick you know doesn’t need to know about it. That might screw up your chances with other good-looking girls. You don’t want to be remembered for one bad choice.
Rule # 2- Beware The Peep Show
One night last summer I was drunk off my ass wandering the city late at night. I had left a group of friends, and unfortunately not gotten any ass. ( I curse those unfair rules about not letting girls under 21 into bars. Totally unfair to us penis-possessors) I came across one of those adult stores where they sell videos and have booths you can view them in and spank a batch at the same time. I managed to find a booth and some tissues in my pocket and went to town. 10 minutes later, I left the booth feeling a little more relaxed, ready to take the train home and collapse in my bed. Then I noticed something.
Some seemingly normal looking man was waiting outside a booth, while there were several others available. As I came out of the booth, he said to me:
“Too bad that booth next to you wasn’t a buddy booth, we could have had fun.” Upon hearing this I said:
“Uh what the hell are you talking about?”
My new pal replied:
“You know buddy booths. They have slots that you can open up, and you and the person in the next booth can jerk each other off. Some places even have it where you can open up the screen for other stuff.”
At this point, I decided to get the hell out of Dodge. Being that I was drunk at the time I don’t remember my exact words but I believe it was something along the lines of “Listen pal, I ain’t into that shit unless you got tits and a cooch. I’m happily hetero.”
The point of this adventure? Porn should probably be viewed in the comfort and privacy of your own home. However, if you just have to get a quick nut off for whatever reason, the peep show can help. Just make sure you check out the booth before you go in. You don’t want some closeted fag reaching in for your cock while you crank one out to See her Squirt Part 14.
Rule # 3- Beware The Slut Who Offers Sex For $$
Another obvious one that bears repeating. Much like the peep show experience, paying for sex should be done as a last resort, when you haven’t gotten any in a long time and can’t bear the thought of another night of jerking off in your bed, surrounded by empty beer bottles and a copy of Barely Legal.
If you are going to go down this road, tread carefully. Spend the extra cash and get an escort from the Village Voice or Yellow Pages. Streetwalkers are disgusting and you are much more likely to encounter vice cops looking to make a quality of life bust. You don’t want to get arrested. Look for the escorts that are incall, outcall means getting a hotel room and why bother spending even more of your hard-earned cash? Also, if possible, recruit a fellow dirtball to join you on this quest. You’ll find that comparing notes afterwards can be fun over a few beers, and you won’t feel quite as filthy.
Rule # 4- Cover Your Tracks And Don’t Be A Turncoat
Quite possibly the most important rule. If going to an escort or a peep show or even a strip club, try and take a look around the surrounding street before you go in. Make sure you don’t see anyone you know. This is not that much of a problem if you are going to an apartment to pay for sex. You can always just say you were visiting a friend. The peep show presents a different problem. Considering these fine morally upright places always seem to have glowing neon lights, it’s harder to be discreet. I recommend walking past the place, turning around, and then sneaking in amongst the crowd.
The second part of this rule is crucial. If you have a close friend, who like you enjoys indulging his decadent side through porn and whores, you should look out for each other. Keep your adventures a secret if possible. I have several good friends, but not all of them know about the extent of my inner dirtball habit, and nor should they. However, my friends who are like me when it comes to sex do know. But be careful anyway. You must be able to trust your friends. You don’t want to get in an argument with a buddy and then decide to screw him over by telling his woman and her friends how you guys visited a whorehouse together. That’s breaking the Sacred Code, and leaves your friend no choice but to expose you to the whole world. And we all know that we have some things we’d rather keep to ourselves.
In closing, I’d like to reiterate that these rules must be followed. However, things like peep shows and escorts should be last resorts, unless you are fucking loaded and have money to burn. And if that’s the case email me, I want someone to pay a high-class hooker to have sex with me. Be sure to exhaust the usual methods of trying to get ass before resorting to this stuff. There’s something much more satisfying about meeting a chick in a bar, or even on the train or anywhere else and getting in her pants, as opposed to just calling some escort up.
Plus, chicks you meet and bang allows you to possibly fuck with their heads, meet and bang their friends, or generally treat them like crap; with the promise of “Baby it will never happen again.” Don’t try and tell me that embarrassing a girl in front of your friends, having her hate you, and then relent and allow you to sleep with her again isn’t a great way to spend an evening. Trust me from experience, it is.