While celebrities can’t always be avoided, they can certainly be ridiculed. When I think of celebrities who can’t ever shut up and be thankful for what they have, it makes me angry. And since a homicide-frenzy is not socially acceptable, this column is my outlet. I hate different celebrities for different reasons, but they will all have a turn in the proverbial barrel.

The Hollywood Hamburger
Tired of the typical crap that you have seen smeared on your local movie screen? So am I. Movies have become products designed for mass consumption rather thantelling a story or presenting a point. Movies are mass-produced to demographicslike beef slapped onto a bun in the local fast-food chain. Quality cinema andstorytelling has been replaced by the need to cut a profit. The Hollywood Hamburger is thrown onto your local movie screens every week. Does it taste thesame? Does it fill your belly? Or does it shoot out your ass with a bullet?

Know Your Enemy
You’re Guide To Classifying Hollywood Hamburgers
by Syd Jefferies
To divulge further into the world of Hollywood Hamburgers, it is important to know the different kinds out there. All burgers are not the same. Some Hamburgers you can tolerate because they make no mistake of what they are. Even yet some actually have a nice taste to them, and you appreciate them for the swill they are. Then, there are manipulative burgers specifically dressed up to be more than what they are. These devious ruses have the sole purpose to lure you to waste your money thinking your buying a juicy sirloin. For your own benefit here is a rundown of the different types of Hollywood Burgers:

Plain Hamburger- Here is your most basic Hollywood Hamburger. You know what this is the second you see the preview that is tagged unfortunately on the beginning of your Blockbuster video rental. Or you can see some of these films that are selected on USA on a Friday or Saturday late night. Little thought goes into neither the production nor the marketing. Quite often these films go straight to your local video rack.
Examples- Ski Patrol, Break’n, Up the Creek Mainstay Actors- Tim Matheson, Patrick Dempsey, Lorenzo Lamas

Plain Cheeseburger - This cheese filled burger is very closely related to the Plain Hamburger. But, there in this case there are “cheesy” incentives to lure you waste your money. That being, either a famous comedian or a comedy troupe member happens to be in the starring role. But, don’t let this fool you the script is still written by a no talent hack of a writer. Examples - Corky Romano, A Night at the Roxbury, Funny Farm
Mainstay Actors - Chevy Chase, Chris Kattan, Dan Aykroyd

Double Cheeseburger - These are pretty much are just higher budget Cheeseburgers. Higher the star power, a bit better writing. It’s both double the cheese but also double the meat.
Examples - National Lampoon’s Vacation, Uncle Buck, Ace Ventura
Mainstay Actors - John Candy, Rick Moranis, Steve Martin

Bacon Double Cheeseburger - Now these are your cut above, of those prior burgers. They have an extra flavor to them that make them quite tasty. Make no mistake, this is still Hollywood cheese straight off the grill. But, the Producers sell this for what it is, there is no extra dressings or disguises. These are usually both well-written and some great comedic acting.
Examples - Ghost Busters, Caddyshack, Animal House
Mainstay Actors - Bill Murray, Mike Myers, John Belushi

Steak-Ums - These are your typical action packed pieces of fried slop with lots of fillings. The fillings serve to hide the fact that there is barely any meat on this sandwich. Film companies love to sell these as steaks, but they usually don’t fool anyone other than your typical foolish teenybopper.
Examples - Escape from LA, Time Cop, Hard to Kill
Mainstay Actors - Wesley Snipes, Steven Seagal. Jean-Claude Van Damme

The Whopper - This common type of scum burger is designed solely to take your money. High budget, big stars, and no story, all the perks. This is the mass produced piece of crap that the marketing department tells you is the next Star Wars and then they film all those wannabe actors coming out of the theatre in the commercial telling you just that. Beware the Whopper!
Examples - End of Days, Gone in 60 Seconds, Battlefield Earth, Deep Blue Sea
Mainstay Actors - Nicolas Cage, John Travolta, Sylvester Stallone

The Mega-Whopper - Take a Whopper, triple the budget double the star power, quadruple the special effects. Then, simmer and serve and don’t forget to have a barf bag handy.
Examples - Armageddon, Independence Day, Pearl Harbor, Titanic
Mainstay Actors - Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Will Smith

The Big Kahuna Burger - This burger is the diamond in the rough. It may be high budget with plenty or perks, but even under all those condiments, you still have a big slab beef. Now don’t get me wrong this is no steak, but if you have a hankering for fast food, this is the most bang for your buck. And, this burger is quite tasty despite the special effects and ludicrous budget.
Examples - Lethal Weapon 1 & 4, Die Hard, Crimson Tide, Aliens
Mainstay Actors - Mel Gibson, Denzel Washington, Alan Rickman.Related Adult Celeb Site

The Hollywood Hamburger article and logos are property of Syd Jefferies
Copyright 2002

The Gamer’s Guide to Getting Laid

A complete walkthrough guide for those overaged virgin gamers who need to get laid.

A Gamers Guide to Getting Laid
by Jay Davis

So you’re a single guy. You aren’t too good looking, you often times stink and your favorite things in life include Metal Gear Solid and assorted Jelly Beans. And now you’re wondering how a lonely fool like yourself can pick up girls. Well I’m here to answer all of you’re questions with a little guide I like to call: A Gamer’s Guide To Getting Laid. …Just think of this thing as a Strategy Guide, but instead of it being for a game, it’s for the opposite sex.

Step #1: Approaching The Women Here’s the scenario, you’re at a bar, and you see this beautiful women sitting right next to you having a drink. Here’s what you do. Slowly turn to her and say; “Hey baby I noticed you have large soft boobies. I like boobies. Especially soft ones. Can I buy those two a beer?” After you slip her that line, you have to keep the talk going by asking questions. Start out with things like “So, do you play Everquest?” and “What’s your favorite Final Fantasy?” She’ll be yours in no time!

Step #2: Taking The Girl Home Its been a long night, and you and your girl are still at the bar. Its 99% likely that she’s drunk by now. And since she’s drunk, you MIGHT actually seem interesting. This is the perfect time to take her home! Just simply say to her; “Hey bitch, enough of the small talk, I wanna shag you like two pigs in the mud” She’ll then reply with a swift “Sure honey, whatever you say.” Before you know it, you’ll have the girl in your 86’ Ford truck and on the way to your home.

Step #3: The Girl Is At Your House By now you should have the girl at your house (or in your case your trailer). To get the mood just right, you should put on some nice soft music. Unfortunately the only CD you own is a Van Halen’s greatest hit album, but no need to worry, you can just skip all that crap and go straight for the girl. Show her around (but skip all of the rooms) and go straight to your bedroom. Make sure to hide your BigNaturals DVDs and Gameboy though, chicks aren’t into Pokemon.

Step #4: The Good Stuff Ask her to test out how soft your mattress is by laying down on it. Once she does, than jump on her like she’s a trampoline. The girl will go along with things, and you will finally get to have sex (not that crappy cyber sex stuff you tried before) but REAL sex! Good for you. You finally lost your virginity. And who cares if its your first time at age 23, the important thing is; you’ve finally done it.

Step # 5: Afterwards: 1 minute and 34 seconds later you’ll be done with sex, because lets face it; you blew your load to soon. Oh well. You can still keep her occupied with a good game of Mario Kart 64. Chicks are into go-carts so she’ll most likely enjoy the game. After that night, she’ll call you again and again. But its not because she likes you, she just wants to play with your videogames. (But does that really matter?) Its still a girl in your house.

There you have it. You too can get laid by following this easy guide. Best of luck. And remember… no Pokemon.