Bigger Muscles, Smaller Brains Part 2
Social Behavior in the Gym
Lessons on social etiquette in the gym. Wipe up your sweat you hog.
Read Part 1 of Bigger Muscles, Smaller Brains: Attitude & Fashion in the Gym So you’ve read part one, and are fully equipped, attired, and have a good idea of how to carry yourself in public. You know how to not look like an asshole, now it’s time to learn how to not act like an asshole. The name of the game is common sense. Yes, this most underrated type of intelligence dominates life in the gym as with any other place. A little common sense and a little common courtesy will go a long way. Social behavior consists of any act that you do which could potentially affect another lifter. These are crimes of both commission and omission. The most basic and common of these crimes is not wiping down the machines or seats after using them. Here’s a quick biology lesson for you… when you exercise, you sweat. There’s no reason that after your 30 minute marathon on the stationary bike, somebody should be forced to sit in a pool of your warm salty liquids. The same goes for benches, and machines that you spend any prolonged period of time on. Cleaning towels & spray bottles are put out for a reason. Use them! As a general rule of thumb, if you get up and a sweat laden imprint of your ass is left on the seat, get a towel and wipe it off.

If we sit in your sweat, you’ll be laying in your own blood.
Almost everyone who visits the gym will at some point pick up a dumbbell. Any guru will tell you that free weights are an essential part of any workout. The problem is not that people use the dumbbells, it’s that they leave them scattered about the mats like landmines. If you are strong enough to pick up the weights, do 3 or 4 sets with them, then you are strong enough to put them back. If you are pyramiding or doing drop sets don’t horde the dumbbells like bars of gold, use them for a set, replace them on the rack and choose your next weights. I don’t care if you’re a slob at home where your mother still makes your bed and cleans your room; I shouldn’t have to go on a crusade to find the weights I need or dance around an obstacle course of scattered and abandoned dumbbells. These are obvious and easily correctable offenses, but a more difficult tendency to fix is that of being an advice giver. Unless your official title is Mr. Universe, you are not in any position to give unwanted fitness advice. Here’s a little news for you Dear Abby, we don’t care how you think we should be bending our knees more or using a different grip. If on the other hand somebody is being social and asks for a few pointers, or begins a friendly discussion about different exercises, techniques, etc. then feel free to drop in your two cents; otherwise shut the fuck up and let us do our routines. Nobody likes a know-it-all, and there is nothing worse than someone getting in your face in the middle of a set trying to correct your form. As a final aside on the topic, fat people are not allowed to ever give any advice. If you knew as much as you thought you did, you wouldn’t be fat, so there is an obvious differential in knowledge. So recapping for all chunky monkies, you are not allowed to wear spandex, or to give advice or parade your ass everywhere.

Even Ann Landers doesn’t have the balls to give advice in the gym
Perhaps most important of all is that you do not use the gym as your social club. There isn’t anything wrong with being friendly or conversant, and most experts agree that lifting with a partner is a great way to keep motivated and keep safe. But remember, you are there to exert your muscles, not your mouth. If you want to work your mouth, start selling twenty-dollar blowjobs. Having a spotter or a companion for motivation and help is a good thing. I prefer to lift alone, but if you want to work out with someone, be my guest. But why do you need to bring an entire group?! I shouldn’t have to wait 45 minutes to get on the cables, a bench, or the lat-bar because there are 4 or 5 of you having a circle jerk in the middle of the gym. With that many people you’re looking at 12 - 15 sets, as opposed to my 3 or 4. Try doing a circuit routine and break your little group up, you’re only taking up space & time. Quit gossiping and get out of the fucking way.

It took them 3 & ½ days to finish their sets on the lat bar. When it was over, they all rejoiced.
Above all be respectful of the people around you and realize that there are other people trying to better themselves just like you. Think about how you’d like to sit in a pool of fat-chick sweat. (We’re assuming you don’t get off on that sort of thing. If you are sniffing the bicycle seat after a 40 year old chubby mother of 3 gets up after her 45 minute peddling spree, you problems I can’t help you with.) Ok, you now know how to act and are the model gym denizen. Unfortunately you’re still fat, people are staring at your for some odd reason, and you aren’t seeing the results you had hoped for. Odds are you just don’t know how to lift properly. In the third and final part of this series, I’ll explain a few common mistakes that you might be committing during your actual workout.

Bigger Muscles, Smaller Brains Part 1
Fat chicks even with big tits are not allowed to wear spandex! And other simple rules to follow in the gym
Everybody wants the perfect body; big muscles, rock hard abs, all with that lean and cut look. Nobody actually asks to walk around with greasy fat-rolls that hang over their elastic waistbands. What results is the eternal attempt to craft the ideal physique, leading people flock to the gym. You can see them scrambling for a line of treadmills, the rack of dumbbells, or the veritable jungle of exercise machinery; none of which they have a clue how to use, or of the tacit rules of etiquette and simple common sense that rule this subculture. In this, the first of a three part series, I will explain one facet of this subculture; the set of guidelines which deal with your conduct on an individual level. Keep in mind that these all apply to both men & women, we don’t discriminate on stupidity. Ingrain these simple concepts into your mind, they should become your gym bible. So fuck the 10 commandments, if you are working out in a public location, these are the rules you need to follow…

If you wear one of these in the gym, don’t lift the barbell, just sit on it.
Before you can begin to interact with others in the gym, you must first take care of yourself. The first thing to take into consideration is your fashion. There really are very few things you can’t wear to the gym. For a guy, the rules are extremely simple, there are only two things which cannot be worn under any circumstances… ribbed guinea tee’s and spandex pants or shorts. I have nothing against the guinea tee if you’re a 45 year old Italian who’s job description is ‘problem solver,’ but they don’t belong in public gyms, especially when you add a thick gold chain to your ensemble. And the spandex rule goes without saying. There is no time in a man’s life when he should ever feel comfortable wearing spandex clothing unless he is a professional athlete. Even then we are getting into a gray area of homosexuality with all that patting on the ass. As for you women, the rules are equally simple…. If you are fat, don’t dress like you are thin. No spandex, no tank tops, no overly tight or small shorts. Be honest with yourself, those outfits only look hot if you have the body to carry them.

She is allowed to wear spandex. Or nothing. We’d prefer nothing.
Now that you are dressed for success, let’s make do a little equipment check. There is nothing wrong with bringing a few necessities. A bottle of water, or a pair of gloves, maybe even the random weight belt if you’re doing squats… But there is not need to carry around a suitcase full of luggage as you lift. There is nothing more sad than the guy who carries around a caravan of supplies from station to station… they tote around their gloves, rags, weight belt, straps, water bottle, power bar, sweatshirt, walkman, bandana, and stopwatch. You should not need a fucking pack mule to get around the gym. If it can’t fit in your pockets or in one hand, leave it in the locker room.

You shouldn’t have to hire sherpas to carry your gear.
You have everything that you need to get in shape, but like anyplace else, a good body is nothing without the proper attitude and personality. I don’t care how cut or big you are, stop looking at yourself in the mirror. This isn’t the Mr. Universe competition, so stop posing. The mirrors are there so you can track your form, not to examine nose hairs, pimples, or the six pack that you DO NOT HAVE! When you finally drag your ass away from your own image and finally decide to get down to business, don’t show off. I don’t care how strong you think you are, you don’t want to be the “Angry Lifter.” Throwing the weights around, grunting loudly every time you move, or walking around with a look that says I am going to shoot 14 people in my high school is not going to make you stronger! Stop yelling, stop acting like you’re a convict and be a normal person. You’re not making yourself stronger or tougher; you are not intimidating. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a 90 lb guy trying to squeeze out that lest rep on the bench, grunting like an ape at the top of his lungs. When not engaged in the actual act of lifting, do not pretend you are tough or huge. Waddling like a penguin will not make people think you are jacked. Even more importantly, protruding your arms is not indicative of muscular development. Your elbows should never form 90-degree angles. If you look like you’re carrying grapefruits under your arms, you deserve to be smacked by anybody who actual exhibits muscle growth.

If you walk with your arms out like this, you had better be carrying two buckets of water.
In part 2 we will examine social skills and interactive behavior in the gym.

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by McBourbon
One of my favorite parts of spending the majority of my time at the end of the bar here in Cleveland is when my local pub brings in Gary, the karaoke guy, and he starts playing songs and I watch drunken (and not so drunken) fools come up one after another and sing for my amusement.

Of course, as with most things, there is a dark side to karaoke, and I asked Gary to outline the seedier aspects of his business. He described to me the karaoke singers I see and what they’re actually like.

First, there are the CROONERS. These are the people who think they are doing a Frank Sinatra tribute, but end up sounding more like Harry Connick Jr. with a mouth full of shit and a rabid dog using their scrotum as a chew toy. They’re off key, too slow, too stupid to know the lyrics, or just Asian and trying to fit into American culture with something they fuckin’ started in the first place.

Secondly, there are the WEMEN. These are large groups of women who come up to belt out Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” or, God forbid, ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” because to do it alone for anyone of them is just too embarrassing. Of course, after their performance, these drunk chicks continue drinking as groups of men circle them like flies near a cow pie and then they become a date rape statistic somewhere between the back parking lot and the local Denny’s where they swore they would meet their friends because the slobbering drunken hillbilly who bought this Barbara Mandrell wanna-be her last drink was just “too fuckin’ hot to let go without a blow job.”

Next are the RISING STARS. These people actually have some talent, but no idea what to do with it. They come up and sing songs by Bon Jovi and Poison (because Gary doesn’t have anything more recent) and actually sound good. (Note: Good is relative in a bar. After 9 tall Black and Tans…good for some is a hot blonde with face Herpes, a bad lisp, and a gimpy leg that appears to have been mangled by a pit bull sometime in her teens. Don’t ask how I know this.) They return to their table, usually populated by people who look like the light scares them and they can’t wait to be locked back in the basement…but the rising stars are the turds that float to the surface in this singer treatment facility…only to be poked back under the surface after the night is over.

Every now and again you get a SOUL MAN who doesn’t necessarily sing “Soul Man” made famous by Sam and Dave and/or The Blues Brothers, but adds that (for lack of a better way of putting it) “flava” to the evening. Of course, in an all white city, in an all white bar, where most of the people are driving all white BMW’s…the SOUL MAN usually ends up sneaking out a back door after a crappy rendition of Young MC’s “Bust a Move.”

Lastly, Gary described to me where I fit in when I get up and sing “Rock this Town” by the Stray Cats or “House of the Rising Sun” by The Animals. “McBourbon,” he says, “you are a PRETENDER.” This means I manage to do a good impression of a singer but have no actual singing ability what-so-ever, and I’m next in line to be a karaoke DJ.

And piss off if you think I’m some drunken Cleveland half-a-fag for singing karaoke. Sometimes the WEMEN like a sensitive guy who can sing. Such is the life of the man at the end of the bar. Until next time……drink until you catch up.

“Take your clothes off and bark like a dog!”
- Vince McMahon to Trish Stratus on RAW, 2001

That’s right, ladies, just when you thought it was safe to start treating guys like crap again, I’m back to set the record straight. So put down the latest copy of Glamour and pay attention. (I’d say shut your mouth, but ya never know; I might want a hummer.)

Back in the glorious days of the mid to late 90’s a book came out. It was called “The Rules- Time Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart Of Mr. Right”. This book was written by two women, (cough..bitter bitches..cough) who claimed to want to help other women learn to practice certain methods that would improve the quality of their relationships. Needless to say, the book became a big success, with women all over the country babbling over how “The Rules is not just a book, it’s a way of life” and forming “Rules Support Groups.” (I’m not making this shit up, look on Amazon if you don’t believe me.)

Some of these so-called “Rules” included pearls of wisdom such as “Don’t talk to a man first” and “Don’t see him more than once or twice a week.” Supposedly these rules are meant to empower women, “weed-out” undesirable men, and generally give women feelings of confidence that acting like a drunken pathetic slut failed to deliver. My personal favorite has to be the rule that encourages women to “rarely return his calls, and don’t call him.” In a rational world, this makes no sense. Let me get this straight, even if you like a guy, you are not going to call him back? What the fuck does that accomplish? Then women wonder why we act like dicks sometimes.

Being the considerate, thoughtful soul I am, I felt it was an injustice that “The Rules” have not been established for guys. Sure, books are out there on how to date women and all that stuff, but why waste your money on some PC bullshit when I speak the truth free of charge? Therefore, as the great Vince McMahon might say, “in the interest of fairness” I present “The Rules For Guys-How To Have Fun At The Expense Of Bitchy Females And Still Get Your Nut Off.”

Rule #1-Don’t be too nice
We covered this in a previous column but I feel it bears repeating. If you go out of your way too much for a chick, you’ll quickly be labeled a pushover and rejected. The lesson? Even if you are a good guy and genuinely want to be yourself, don’t. When she sets up lines like “ I look ugly today”, she’s fishing for compliments. Rather than say “no you look great” say “Yeah what the fuck? Did you not look in the mirror before you left the house? Good God.”

Rule # 2- Cut them off when they are babbling Few things are more annoying than a chick that tries to tell a joke and fails miserably. Whether the joke is awful, or she can’t remember it, or she’s telling some story about something that happened to her, chances are you are dying a slow death trying to stay awake. The lesson? Treat her like you would one of your buddies. If your buddy was telling some joke or story that was God-awful wouldn’t you say something? Of course you would. So why should it be different for women? Instead of faking interest, just tell her to get to the point or stop wasting your time. Remember that time spent listening to some awful story is time that could be spent scoping out drunken skanks or hanging with your boys.

Rule # 3-There is nothing wrong with finding humor at the expense of some psycho girl
This sort of ties in with Rule #2. Totally embarrassing some dumb twat as she tries to be funny is one of life’s greatest pleasures. It works even better when you do it in front of a group of your friends. It also works when you see a girl you know crying at the bar. You know the drill. She’s all about some dude who treats her like shit, and she gets a few fruity drinks in her and starts bawling. Now the uneducated guy, the young and naïve guy, might think, “hey if I console her, it will make me look better. She’ll want me.”

WRONG!

You must keep in mind she’s a kook. Unless she suddenly comes to the realization that she’s wasting her time, she’ll just thank you for being there and then go get herself humiliated again. Instead, when she says, “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?” let her have it. Lines like “Well, its not your fault you are a chick, and therefore naturally nuts” work well. Or say “Maybe if you just let him do you in the ass, he’d love like you love him.” When in doubt, just laugh at her a la Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.

If any female were to read this article, or hear me talk this way, they’d be quick to blurt out “Well, no wonder you are single. What an asshole.” What they fail to realize is that, I’m quite comfortable being an asshole, and I’d rather be single any day then to be involved with some psychotic girl who needs Zoloft just to get out of bed in the morning. These rules, and this column in general, is meant as a response to all the bullshit that comes with relationships. Few things are worse than seeing a formerly great guy stuck in a cycle of awful relationships because he forgot what it means to have testicles. Guys are not always right, and sometimes we do fuck up. But I don’t think the hypocrisy and generally delusional behavior of females should be excused. Remember; use what you can to your advantage. If you don’t some other guy will, so it might as well be you.