“Take your clothes off and bark like a dog!”
- Vince McMahon to Trish Stratus on RAW, 2001

That’s right, ladies, just when you thought it was safe to start treating guys like crap again, I’m back to set the record straight. So put down the latest copy of Glamour and pay attention. (I’d say shut your mouth, but ya never know; I might want a hummer.)

Back in the glorious days of the mid to late 90’s a book came out. It was called “The Rules- Time Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart Of Mr. Right”. This book was written by two women, (cough..bitter bitches..cough) who claimed to want to help other women learn to practice certain methods that would improve the quality of their relationships. Needless to say, the book became a big success, with women all over the country babbling over how “The Rules is not just a book, it’s a way of life” and forming “Rules Support Groups.” (I’m not making this shit up, look on Amazon if you don’t believe me.)

Some of these so-called “Rules” included pearls of wisdom such as “Don’t talk to a man first” and “Don’t see him more than once or twice a week.” Supposedly these rules are meant to empower women, “weed-out” undesirable men, and generally give women feelings of confidence that acting like a drunken pathetic slut failed to deliver. My personal favorite has to be the rule that encourages women to “rarely return his calls, and don’t call him.” In a rational world, this makes no sense. Let me get this straight, even if you like a guy, you are not going to call him back? What the fuck does that accomplish? Then women wonder why we act like dicks sometimes.

Being the considerate, thoughtful soul I am, I felt it was an injustice that “The Rules” have not been established for guys. Sure, books are out there on how to date women and all that stuff, but why waste your money on some PC bullshit when I speak the truth free of charge? Therefore, as the great Vince McMahon might say, “in the interest of fairness” I present “The Rules For Guys-How To Have Fun At The Expense Of Bitchy Females And Still Get Your Nut Off.”

Rule #1-Don’t be too nice
We covered this in a previous column but I feel it bears repeating. If you go out of your way too much for a chick, you’ll quickly be labeled a pushover and rejected. The lesson? Even if you are a good guy and genuinely want to be yourself, don’t. When she sets up lines like “ I look ugly today”, she’s fishing for compliments. Rather than say “no you look great” say “Yeah what the fuck? Did you not look in the mirror before you left the house? Good God.”

Rule # 2- Cut them off when they are babbling Few things are more annoying than a chick that tries to tell a joke and fails miserably. Whether the joke is awful, or she can’t remember it, or she’s telling some story about something that happened to her, chances are you are dying a slow death trying to stay awake. The lesson? Treat her like you would one of your buddies. If your buddy was telling some joke or story that was God-awful wouldn’t you say something? Of course you would. So why should it be different for women? Instead of faking interest, just tell her to get to the point or stop wasting your time. Remember that time spent listening to some awful story is time that could be spent scoping out drunken skanks or hanging with your boys.

Rule # 3-There is nothing wrong with finding humor at the expense of some psycho girl
This sort of ties in with Rule #2. Totally embarrassing some dumb twat as she tries to be funny is one of life’s greatest pleasures. It works even better when you do it in front of a group of your friends. It also works when you see a girl you know crying at the bar. You know the drill. She’s all about some dude who treats her like shit, and she gets a few fruity drinks in her and starts bawling. Now the uneducated guy, the young and naïve guy, might think, “hey if I console her, it will make me look better. She’ll want me.”

WRONG!

You must keep in mind she’s a kook. Unless she suddenly comes to the realization that she’s wasting her time, she’ll just thank you for being there and then go get herself humiliated again. Instead, when she says, “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?” let her have it. Lines like “Well, its not your fault you are a chick, and therefore naturally nuts” work well. Or say “Maybe if you just let him do you in the ass, he’d love like you love him.” When in doubt, just laugh at her a la Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.

If any female were to read this article, or hear me talk this way, they’d be quick to blurt out “Well, no wonder you are single. What an asshole.” What they fail to realize is that, I’m quite comfortable being an asshole, and I’d rather be single any day then to be involved with some psychotic girl who needs Zoloft just to get out of bed in the morning. These rules, and this column in general, is meant as a response to all the bullshit that comes with relationships. Few things are worse than seeing a formerly great guy stuck in a cycle of awful relationships because he forgot what it means to have testicles. Guys are not always right, and sometimes we do fuck up. But I don’t think the hypocrisy and generally delusional behavior of females should be excused. Remember; use what you can to your advantage. If you don’t some other guy will, so it might as well be you.

Dueling rallies expected

CRAWFORD, Texas, August 27 – The U.S. is facing one of the biggest dueling rallies in a long time with over 3,000 people expected to turn up on Saturday in the little town of Crawford, Texas. You would never expect such a thing in a small one-stoplight town with no more than 700 residents, but since Bush’s ranch is just outside of Crawford they are facing an immense load of protesters today.

In what seems to be a climax in anti-war protesting over the last few weeks, led by grieving mother Cindy Sheehan, the pro-Bush camp is starting to stir its’ tail. With almost 3,000 people expected to turn up at the pro-Bush rally at the local school football stadium things seem to take a turn. While a lot of people sympathize with the mother who has lost her child, many also seem to turn on her and join the tour of the “You don’t speak for me, Cindy”.

Bush will obviously gloat over this change in his favor, he has received less and less support on the Iraq war over the last weeks because of the ever increasing casualty rate but now finally his supporters seem to have awakened. Depending on the success of the Iraqi constitutional draft Bush might even come out of this battle in decent shape.

Shiites await Sunnis’ answer

BAGHDAD, August 26 – Tension rises as talks come to a decisive stage, Shiites have now given their final compromises on the Iraqi constitutional draft to the Sunnis for review. They have been quite clear that this is their last effort to get their approval to which they were “forced” by George Bush. Not surprisingly since the only bit of progress that could cover the immense losses on U.S. side, but Sunnis seem reluctant to give in and demand a constitution that will keep the unity of Iraq intact.

Interestingly one of the main struggle points is that the Shiites have included a “life-time ban” for public positions for former Baath-members, the former party of Saddam Hussein. Shiites demand that they are kept away from gaining any control of the governmental system, not surprisingly. Sunnis seem to have trouble with this point seeing that Sunnis were the main ethnicity in the Baath party and thus go to great effort to protect their interests.

This constitution has become personal for our President, he even put in a call to the Shiite leader to persuade him to make changes and offer the Sunnis what they want. For him this constitution is the only positive thing that could possibly cover up the enormous casualty rate since the start of the war in Iraq, 1,800 and counting. More and more U.S. citizens are opposing the war since no real results appear but the losses are immense.

Opposition is gathering slowly

WASHINGTON, August 25 – The confirmation hearing starting Sept. 6 looking to put John Roberts in the Supreme Court will get tough. Although opposition has been slow to assemble since there was not much clarity on Roberts’ views it’s now become clear that one very influential liberal group will oppose his confirmation. People for the American Way led many fights against Supreme Court nominees and they have announced that they will oppose Roberts without a doubt. Yesterday they released a 50-page report detailing Roberts’ conservative points and troublesome thoughts. They believe he will have no trouble undermining important decisions on civil rights matters such as access to court and equality for women.

Leading Democrat and Senator of California Dianne Feinstein added that she has been troubled by Roberts’ lack of respect for the right of privacy. His past has shown many conflicts in which he was sceptical to this right and even wondered if it should be apart of civil rights. Democrats are now worried this means he will overthrow the milestone Roe vs. Wade decision and thus set back the country to the 1950’s.

Two other influential liberal groups have also released statements in which they confirm they’ll join in the opposition seeing the views of the Supreme Court nominee. Republicans on the other hand have not been sitting still awaiting for the opposition to align, they have been gathering wide support for their candidate and it is believed his chances are still in favour of being confirmed.

This is going to get nasty

BOISE, August 24 – In an effort to discredit the arguments of the many anti-war protesters outside of his vacation ranch Bush stepped it up a notch by urging that withdrawing the U.S. troops out of Iraq, the protesters’ biggest wish, would severely weaken the United States. It looks like his offensive is getting harder as the protesters gain momentum, while it started out as an action by a grieving mother the protesters are now backed by several wealthy liberal organizations.

One of the organizations is TrueMajority, owned by Ben Cohen, one of the two founders of Ben&Jerry’s ice cream. These new backups seem to be very important as they’re making it possible to buy up advertising time at broadcasting companies to spread their views and arguments. Bush meanwhile gets backup from his own staff, Daniel Bartlett showed up on the morning news networks stressing Bush’s message by adding “We have a history — Somalia, Beirut, Lebanon, those times when the going got tough [and] we retreated and withdrew from the scene — it only emboldened the terrorists. We’re not going to do that here. We’re going to stay, fight and win.”

Bush is also stating that the views of Cindy Sheehan and her supporters do not represent the views of most military families. Whether this is true or simply the result of pre-screening the families he meets is debatable. Fact remains that U.S. casualties are only increasing and there is no end in sight for this awful war.

Targeted car bombings strike the forces

RAMADI, August 23 – Today the U.S. forces in Iraq suffered serious attacks as three car bombs targeted the troops. No reports of casualties have been made yet. The first bomb exploded as an U.S. convoy passed through the centre of Ramadi. Minutes later a truck rigged with explosives drove into an industrial building often occupied by U.S. forces. Then when U.S. soldiers arrived to care for the wounded another bomb went off, making this one of the most severe attacks in Ramadi to date.

Ramadi lies almost 100km west of Baghdad and has been the scene of many attacks before. It is still unclear if and how many casualties were made during these attacks.
Coincidence or not, these attacks come the day after the second deadline for the Iraqi constitutional draft passed. Although there has been agreement among the Kurds and Shiites, the Sunnis have demanded profound changes to prevent separation of the nation.

The deadline for the draft has now been extended for another three days, it’s not clear whether this will be enough to satisfy the Sunnis. The Shiites wanted to turn in the draft as complete but the Kurds do not want to damage their relations with the Sunnis and would like to avoid the possibility of political and public disagreement.