The Gamer’s Guide to Getting Laid

A complete walkthrough guide for those overaged virgin gamers who need to get laid.

A Gamers Guide to Getting Laid
by Jay Davis

So you’re a single guy. You aren’t too good looking, you often times stink and your favorite things in life include Metal Gear Solid and assorted Jelly Beans. And now you’re wondering how a lonely fool like yourself can pick up girls. Well I’m here to answer all of you’re questions with a little guide I like to call: A Gamer’s Guide To Getting Laid. …Just think of this thing as a Strategy Guide, but instead of it being for a game, it’s for the opposite sex.

Step #1: Approaching The Women Here’s the scenario, you’re at a bar, and you see this beautiful women sitting right next to you having a drink. Here’s what you do. Slowly turn to her and say; “Hey baby I noticed you have large soft boobies. I like boobies. Especially soft ones. Can I buy those two a beer?” After you slip her that line, you have to keep the talk going by asking questions. Start out with things like “So, do you play Everquest?” and “What’s your favorite Final Fantasy?” She’ll be yours in no time!

Step #2: Taking The Girl Home Its been a long night, and you and your girl are still at the bar. Its 99% likely that she’s drunk by now. And since she’s drunk, you MIGHT actually seem interesting. This is the perfect time to take her home! Just simply say to her; “Hey bitch, enough of the small talk, I wanna shag you like two pigs in the mud” She’ll then reply with a swift “Sure honey, whatever you say.” Before you know it, you’ll have the girl in your 86’ Ford truck and on the way to your home.

Step #3: The Girl Is At Your House By now you should have the girl at your house (or in your case your trailer). To get the mood just right, you should put on some nice soft music. Unfortunately the only CD you own is a Van Halen’s greatest hit album, but no need to worry, you can just skip all that crap and go straight for the girl. Show her around (but skip all of the rooms) and go straight to your bedroom. Make sure to hide your BigNaturals DVDs and Gameboy though, chicks aren’t into Pokemon.

Step #4: The Good Stuff Ask her to test out how soft your mattress is by laying down on it. Once she does, than jump on her like she’s a trampoline. The girl will go along with things, and you will finally get to have sex (not that crappy cyber sex stuff you tried before) but REAL sex! Good for you. You finally lost your virginity. And who cares if its your first time at age 23, the important thing is; you’ve finally done it.

Step # 5: Afterwards: 1 minute and 34 seconds later you’ll be done with sex, because lets face it; you blew your load to soon. Oh well. You can still keep her occupied with a good game of Mario Kart 64. Chicks are into go-carts so she’ll most likely enjoy the game. After that night, she’ll call you again and again. But its not because she likes you, she just wants to play with your videogames. (But does that really matter?) Its still a girl in your house.

There you have it. You too can get laid by following this easy guide. Best of luck. And remember… no Pokemon.