Big Muscles, Small Brains
Bigger Muscles, Smaller Brains Part 1
Fat chicks even with big tits are not allowed to wear spandex! And other simple rules to follow in the gym
Everybody wants the perfect body; big muscles, rock hard abs, all with that lean and cut look. Nobody actually asks to walk around with greasy fat-rolls that hang over their elastic waistbands. What results is the eternal attempt to craft the ideal physique, leading people flock to the gym. You can see them scrambling for a line of treadmills, the rack of dumbbells, or the veritable jungle of exercise machinery; none of which they have a clue how to use, or of the tacit rules of etiquette and simple common sense that rule this subculture. In this, the first of a three part series, I will explain one facet of this subculture; the set of guidelines which deal with your conduct on an individual level. Keep in mind that these all apply to both men & women, we don’t discriminate on stupidity. Ingrain these simple concepts into your mind, they should become your gym bible. So fuck the 10 commandments, if you are working out in a public location, these are the rules you need to follow…
If you wear one of these in the gym, don’t lift the barbell, just sit on it.
Before you can begin to interact with others in the gym, you must first take care of yourself. The first thing to take into consideration is your fashion. There really are very few things you can’t wear to the gym. For a guy, the rules are extremely simple, there are only two things which cannot be worn under any circumstances… ribbed guinea tee’s and spandex pants or shorts. I have nothing against the guinea tee if you’re a 45 year old Italian who’s job description is ‘problem solver,’ but they don’t belong in public gyms, especially when you add a thick gold chain to your ensemble. And the spandex rule goes without saying. There is no time in a man’s life when he should ever feel comfortable wearing spandex clothing unless he is a professional athlete. Even then we are getting into a gray area of homosexuality with all that patting on the ass. As for you women, the rules are equally simple…. If you are fat, don’t dress like you are thin. No spandex, no tank tops, no overly tight or small shorts. Be honest with yourself, those outfits only look hot if you have the body to carry them.
She is allowed to wear spandex. Or nothing. We’d prefer nothing.
Now that you are dressed for success, let’s make do a little equipment check. There is nothing wrong with bringing a few necessities. A bottle of water, or a pair of gloves, maybe even the random weight belt if you’re doing squats… But there is not need to carry around a suitcase full of luggage as you lift. There is nothing more sad than the guy who carries around a caravan of supplies from station to station… they tote around their gloves, rags, weight belt, straps, water bottle, power bar, sweatshirt, walkman, bandana, and stopwatch. You should not need a fucking pack mule to get around the gym. If it can’t fit in your pockets or in one hand, leave it in the locker room.
You shouldn’t have to hire sherpas to carry your gear.
You have everything that you need to get in shape, but like anyplace else, a good body is nothing without the proper attitude and personality. I don’t care how cut or big you are, stop looking at yourself in the mirror. This isn’t the Mr. Universe competition, so stop posing. The mirrors are there so you can track your form, not to examine nose hairs, pimples, or the six pack that you DO NOT HAVE! When you finally drag your ass away from your own image and finally decide to get down to business, don’t show off. I don’t care how strong you think you are, you don’t want to be the “Angry Lifter.” Throwing the weights around, grunting loudly every time you move, or walking around with a look that says I am going to shoot 14 people in my high school is not going to make you stronger! Stop yelling, stop acting like you’re a convict and be a normal person. You’re not making yourself stronger or tougher; you are not intimidating. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a 90 lb guy trying to squeeze out that lest rep on the bench, grunting like an ape at the top of his lungs. When not engaged in the actual act of lifting, do not pretend you are tough or huge. Waddling like a penguin will not make people think you are jacked. Even more importantly, protruding your arms is not indicative of muscular development. Your elbows should never form 90-degree angles. If you look like you’re carrying grapefruits under your arms, you deserve to be smacked by anybody who actual exhibits muscle growth.
If you walk with your arms out like this, you had better be carrying two buckets of water.
In part 2 we will examine social skills and interactive behavior in the gym.
